Do I want to be loved, or do I want to be feared.
A few weeks ago, someone came into the room and gave me a gift. The gift was the quote for today. That day was an example of my higher power giving me something that I needed. The gift came from someone who was just visiting the area and I have never seen them again.
Everyone in recovery has people that love them. I have many people that love me and want me to succeed in my recovery and life. My early recovery was a struggle to hold on to things and relationships, not a recovery of myself. When I heard this said, I reflected and realized that I was manipulating people around me to fear me to keep me.
As addicts we are all self-seeking and selfish people. The world and the universe revolves around us. When in our addiction, everything is viewed with those eyes. Even in recovery it is hard not to view life with those eyes. I think this selfishness feeds into the quote as well. Fear is a means of control and it is something I have had to let go. Forcefully at first, but willingly now.
Love is a means of surrendering to our recovery and accepting what life brings to us. Wanting to be loved is an affirmation that I am the best person I can be today and I am working towards better. An affirmation that by working on myself, I am working towards being loved on life’s terms.
I spent a part of that meeting and after reflecting on the fear that I used. Did I want to be:
- feared that I will hurt those around me
- feared that I will betray their trust
- feared that I will give up on my own recovery and throw in the towel
- feared that things and thoughts will overwhelm me
- feared that I will relapse, do the wrong thing
- feared that the dark thoughts will take over and never leave
I don’t want those things for the people that I love. I know they will always have fear in their life about me. I can’t control that. I can’t control anyone’s feelings. Therefore I can only control myself.
I want to be loved. Therefore I will do the things that make me better and love will come. I can’t control love, but I can control my acts and my feelings. I can go to meetings, work on my recovery, try to find my own light. That is all I can do.
I also have to have acceptance that even if I do the right things, the things I want may not come to me. I may want to be loved, but that love may not come to me. That is where serenity comes into play.
Today I will do what I can to deserve love and not fear. I will also accept that while I am worthy and deserving I can not control other’s feelings. I will accept life on life’s terms and still be the best me.
Surrender and acceptance is so much a part of our recovery. In our relationships this is so as well. We have to surrender to our Higher Power and accept the future as it will be, not how we want it to be. By causing fear in our relationships we are still trying to control and be the center.
We have to accept that we can’t cause anything in our relationships, actually. All we can do is control ourselves. I am in recovery to be a better me, now. I accept that I can’t control the people that are in my life or out of it.